I've been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately.

I guess I always did have them but now they're worse; I break down and completley freak out. I cant foresee a future or a time when i've ever been or ever will not feel this way.

I have a million excuses for it but i just dont know what the real one is. At the same time I think i do, but no matter how much i attempt to confront it, will never be able to accept the real reason behind everything. It pisses me off when people think they understand. No one knows anything, they just assume. But if i can't even make my own agreements to myself as to what is bothering me, how should i expect anyone else to understand?

i think its just time to go back to the old me. my dark dark, my repressed personality and life, my pushy, insulting, ignorant, good for nothing, discusting, rude, worthless family and everything they've brought me up to be and pushed me to act and feel.

and what do ya know, dad is coming back to the states.

i haven't decided how i feel about that now.. he's not nearly important enough to evaluate. he'll just have to wait until i get happy with at least one aspect of my life.

So i'm awake.. Cause i like wake up early for all my classes but today i only have one class at 12 and really dont wanna go. In the meantime i'm chatting with brian (HI BRIAN!). He's cool.

in fact he's like the only cool person i talk to.. i mean.. wtf? Where have all the cool people gone, its so not fair

maybe this is the problem with being at home instead of away at college.., at teh same time who the hell would want to use communal bathrooms; LIKE EW.

Plus i still have my Old friends, I GUESS....who the hell knows what goes on with them. right now they're all so.. whats a good word... ARHGHHRHGHASHARGUGGLE. and i dont even get to see anyone this weekend! well.. hopefully bev, but she'll ditch me too, you just wait and see.

I've come to the conclusion that the only way to solve my lonelyness is back to MMORPG! of course this means that I get a better pc cause.. well lets face it, this computer was on its knee's beggning me to stop playing everquest and i can't run anything else thats even remotely cool on it.

But then i dontw ant to get a pc! omg.. mac are so much sexier.. hehehe... that'll keep me busy... mmmmmmm, new hardware.

but there are no games.. welle xcept World of Warcraft, whenever that comes out.

Oh decisions decisions..

and now its time to go to my psychology class. heh, my teacher is so cool.. probably one of the only reasons i'll end up staying at this shit school, the teachers are amazing and my department , is no joke, the most amazing. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh

maybe i'll just go find some drag queen friends. i like drag queens.

So I've decided to try out Xanga..

It does have its perks. I do like being able to keep one journal and still have public/private posts.

I might keep it, We'll see.